Fuck you, Victoria

we live in a society
thats absolutely fine with sexualizing
every inch of our bodies
that defines our potential
by our ability to please
that markets what men like to see
instead of anything we actually need

please explain to me
how my breasts should be perfectly shaped
with fine stitch and lace
for nothing more
than a mans hands to rape

sex is a moment
and my breasts werent even meant for it
but yet here they are on market
for men to measure, mark up
and sell back to me for profit
while ignoring their only purpose

find me a fucking nursing bra
without a wire built in to stab me
for the pleasure of a man to grab me
or padding stacked up to mold me
or a strap too small to hold me

how dare you call it inclusive
to take every chest, nipple and breast
and force it to fit into a torture device

-fuck Victoria and her secrets

A.

New Year, Same Me

Happy almost New Year!

I don’t really make resolutions. I honestly think they’re silly. Keep making your ads though, Planet Fitness, I’m sure someone else in this country will buy it.

Instead of focusing on all the negative about myself(theres a lot), I’m just going to focus on all the things I’m thankful for.

First, my family. My daughter and my son have really become the best, shitty friends to each other I could have hoped for. I don’t understand the sibling rivalry because I’ve never had one to rival with. But the pettiness is honestly laughable and simultaneously provides me with constant frustration. My daughter is in the slapping phase. So she can dish it out, but she certainly cannot take it.

Second, my health. Shit has been all over the place lately but somehow my health, and the health of my kids, have been good this year. In past years, I suffered with chronic pain, back problems, rheumatism, dental woes, and blurry vision. Obviously my eyes aren’t getting better any time soon, but many of the things on this list haven’t been a bother this year.

And third, my journey. This is the sappy one. This is the part that I have a hard time being thankful for most days. This is the one that scares me and excites me all at once. In a few short months, we will be selling our first home in San Diego, California and moving across the country to Traverse City, Michigan. Most people have mixed views on this. People from San Diego meet this news with criticism about the weather in Michigan. Actually, people from Michigan talk shit about the weather in Traverse City as well. But they also talk about the city’s beauty. And if there’s one thing that people in Michigan hate more than the snow, its California. In general, people have mixed feelings about our next move.

As the mover, this puts a lot on me. I have to create my own enthusiasm- not just for me, but for my kids. They have never endured a Michigan winter and have had very few run ins with snow. What Michigan offers in plenty during the spring and summer, it takes away completely in the winter.

In short, 2020 will be a year full of risks- much like the rest of our years have been. In 2019, my husband and I decided to rekindle our faith. I’m not sure if Ben ever had any, but I had stopped feeding my relationship with God long ago. It’s something I don’t necessarily regret but I am happy to have again. There are seasons in everyones lives. I needed to stray from Him to find my way back. And it’s helped me grow tremendously by allowing me to accept the things that I cannot change. I no longer make mountains of my downfalls. I’ve found confidence where I used to pick and scratch myself to pieces.

For these reasons, I do not intend on being “better.” I am not perfect. There’s a lot going on that I wish I could change and decisions I made that I’m not quite 100% sure about. But I’m not starting out my 2020 with regret and self doubt. I’m leaving that in 2019.

A.

Social

Hey frands! I know I have links to all my social accounts- but if you don’t already, go follow me on Facebook and Instagram!

I don’t like to share many life updates in general, but I tend to be a little more intimate on social media. I’m into soap making, fairy gardens, and making friends with snails that I find around the backyard with my son.

If you get a chance, check me out on facebook by clicking here.

Or if you’re if you prefer instagram, you can find me here.

See ya around!

Christmas Trees and Credit Card Debt

‘Tis the season, man.

I love it and I hate it. Maybe it’s because this is my first Christmas with two children, but this is NOT my year- ok, let’s be honest, is it ever my year?

Money is always tight in December. I know this is true for everyone, but it gets a lot harder when you add on the heavy expenses of family trips, holiday events, and the ever-growing lists for Santa.

When does it all slow down? Has it gone too far? How much is TOO much?

If you’re asking yourself those questions, the answer is: yes. All of it is too fuckin’ much. All of it is over the top. And you should probably slow your ass down.

Here’s a couple tips on saving money on Christmas this year(Amber style).

1. Give the gift of your children

I mean this literally. Send those monsters to Grandma’s house and leave them there. This is what everyone wants. If you can’t do it because of distance or swine flu or whatever, do the next best thing. Send out their Christmas lists. This costs you nothing and allows you to skimp out on gifts.

You might think this is a dick move but try to remember Christmas for what it used to be. Christmas has exploded with access to online shopping and with that, expectations are unrealistically high.

2. Let that shit sit for a day

If you are an online shopper, take a step back from your cart for a day. Let it sit. Think about it hard before you buy it. It’s time to step away from the stocking stuffer obligation. All you’re doing is buying shitty gifts that no one actually wants. Fuck the bathbombs and the pop sockets. If you really want to spend money on something, try putting that $5-10 in the stocking instead. Money doesn’t replace gift giving, don’t get me wrong. But it’s time to do away with the necessity of it.

3. Spend this time with Family

Family is more important than price tags or pretty Christmas wrapping paper. I’m not talking about your shitbag uncle that falls asleep on the couch after dinner, I’m talking about the people who matter. The ones you go out of your way for and the ones you want to spend the holidays with. Don’t let your relatives bully you into wasting your holiday season arguing over the Trump Impeachment.

4. Recycle your shipping boxes for the love of God and all that is fucking precious to you

Seriously, I’m not going to explain this one but do your part in saving our world. Even if Amazon and Walmart and all the other shitty companies are only contributing to its downward spiral.

It literally wouldn’t be “me” if I didn’t end it on that note.

Happy Everything! Enjoy this guilt, driven season with delight and merriment! Hallelujah.

A.

The Artist

he is the master of refining
and blurring the lines
he really does think
if he can add enough layers
maybe he can cover up
the person she used to be
smooth the edges
tune out her intuition

but he can’t hide messages
shes already seen
or delete the other girls
that came clean
and i still wonder if shes waiting
for me to make a scene
to tell her all the things
that he also did to me

wouldnt that be convenient
if i fit the narrative
instead of learning from it

but while the artist works
to fill the cracks in his conscience
with likely stories,
he shades the women of his past
and takes the glory
take a look at all their trophies

because there is happiness after him
you cannot shed his layers
but the artist doesnt own the rights to his masterpiece

– stop giving him permission to alter you

A.

Bye Bitch

theres no fucking way i was ever going to wait around while you chased a truth that you made up in your head. you can idealize every piece of trash that floats through your life as a message from god- but its fucking not and you dont get to waft in and out of everyones lives just because you think youre following moses across the red sea. youre just running. and drowning and i cant fucking save you if you think youre flying.
-he was trash, and so was the guy before him

Horoscopes and Karma

The universe speaks to me so clearly that I often confuse the messages with karma. All the good gets countered with the bad and it just turns into a big, messy tug-of-war with my happiness. Messages don’t have to be decoded. You don’t have to read them with your horoscope and make charts and graphs to react. Your first impulse is often the best one to act on. But never be motivated by the negative. Accept your responsibilities, not the fate. Nothing is written in the stars unless you put it there. They are only stars. Sometimes they’re just waiting for you to draw the lines.

Real Life Love Story

Becoming me was easy
with you
My body lives to do
those things you want it to
It was so beautiful
to watch it happen
In my head

But to look down upon it
my skin could grow
and shrink and stretch
and harden and turn
into dirty playdough
While your body stayed the same
while less and less
I heard you say my name
with endearment
Like my name became
a command and
all the love it once had
drained out if it
Like we twisted and tangled it
until we rang everything out
and sat it aside to dry

We all know why
we siphoned the love out
and poured it all down
in such bounty

We gave it to the creation
of our bodies
and our blood
while our love
dried on the counter
with yesterdays dishes

love after children

A.

Amen

Dear God,
you are a fire
a small, flickering ember
but that ember lights a forest
and a few houses
that surround it

Dear God,
youre fuckin cold
ice blackened on the road
youre the screams
as the car rolls

Dear God,
youre the flatline
while everybodies shaking
looking up and waiting
folding hands and praying

Dear God,
forgive me
for i have sinned
but you created this
why dont you let it end?

why would you mold
the whole world
and tell me i cant live
make me say your name
is it a fetish or a game?

A.