new year – Memoirs of a Millennial

New Year, Same Me

Happy almost New Year!

I don’t really make resolutions. I honestly think they’re silly. Keep making your ads though, Planet Fitness, I’m sure someone else in this country will buy it.

Instead of focusing on all the negative about myself(theres a lot), I’m just going to focus on all the things I’m thankful for.

First, my family. My daughter and my son have really become the best, shitty friends to each other I could have hoped for. I don’t understand the sibling rivalry because I’ve never had one to rival with. But the pettiness is honestly laughable and simultaneously provides me with constant frustration. My daughter is in the slapping phase. So she can dish it out, but she certainly cannot take it.

Second, my health. Shit has been all over the place lately but somehow my health, and the health of my kids, have been good this year. In past years, I suffered with chronic pain, back problems, rheumatism, dental woes, and blurry vision. Obviously my eyes aren’t getting better any time soon, but many of the things on this list haven’t been a bother this year.

And third, my journey. This is the sappy one. This is the part that I have a hard time being thankful for most days. This is the one that scares me and excites me all at once. In a few short months, we will be selling our first home in San Diego, California and moving across the country to Traverse City, Michigan. Most people have mixed views on this. People from San Diego meet this news with criticism about the weather in Michigan. Actually, people from Michigan talk shit about the weather in Traverse City as well. But they also talk about the city’s beauty. And if there’s one thing that people in Michigan hate more than the snow, its California. In general, people have mixed feelings about our next move.

As the mover, this puts a lot on me. I have to create my own enthusiasm- not just for me, but for my kids. They have never endured a Michigan winter and have had very few run ins with snow. What Michigan offers in plenty during the spring and summer, it takes away completely in the winter.

In short, 2020 will be a year full of risks- much like the rest of our years have been. In 2019, my husband and I decided to rekindle our faith. I’m not sure if Ben ever had any, but I had stopped feeding my relationship with God long ago. It’s something I don’t necessarily regret but I am happy to have again. There are seasons in everyones lives. I needed to stray from Him to find my way back. And it’s helped me grow tremendously by allowing me to accept the things that I cannot change. I no longer make mountains of my downfalls. I’ve found confidence where I used to pick and scratch myself to pieces.

For these reasons, I do not intend on being “better.” I am not perfect. There’s a lot going on that I wish I could change and decisions I made that I’m not quite 100% sure about. But I’m not starting out my 2020 with regret and self doubt. I’m leaving that in 2019.

✌

prose

Renewing Resolutions

Happy New Year! And welcome to the first week of (fill in year here) where everyone sets ridiculously high expectations for themselves. 2018 turns a fresh page in life, where people are able to reflect on their past year and feel remorse for some of the poor decisions made in 2017. Despite the review of poor outcomes, a trending Millennial view on New Year’s resolutions is to simply not make one. While I stand behind the premise, I think it’s pretty dense to live life entirely void of expectations for yourself. Just take it slow, lower the bar, and plan it out.

2017 was a trying year for me but it was also very rewarding. It’s easy to overlook the successes when they are overshadowed by hardships. Sometimes the best days were a result of the worst months. Deployment was by far one of the largest hurdles I have jumped in my entire life.

Six months of separation from my husband were all resting on one day when we were reunited. I look back at moments from my husbands deployment and think about how difficult life really was for me. Despite all of my trials and tribulations, I always looked to the women who had it harder. It is far too easy to set expectations for life without really knowing what it is going to look like.

In June of 2017, my husband carried my 11 month old son down the pier and kissed us both goodbye before sailing across the Pacific Ocean. Now, I’m accustomed to be being alone, but it is difficult to swallow the idea of being separated for six months. I’ve watched women crumble at the thought of such a long separation, but at this point in our lives, I find it laughable.

One of the best pieces of advice I followed was given to me by a woman working full time, while pregnant, taking care of two daughters, and running her own house during her husbands deployment. She told me to never wait to be happy. Deployment is a hurdle- and I had to jump it. Ready or not, happy or sad- there was no “out” for me. There is no easy way out in life, no simple solutions- and no fucking easy street.

There are always going to be hardships with each passing year. If your expectation is to never have difficulty in your life, then your resolutions will shatter by the end of this week. Strength is how we overcome obstacles in life, not how we avoid them.

Resolve to reorganize. It is easy to allow the modern day conveniences to run your bank account and your life. If you want to get healthy, don’t sign up for a gym membership. Cancel your Netflix subscription and walk around the produce department at the grocery store. Money aside, your resolution should benefit you more than the retail companies marketing the ideas to you.

Change comes from within us. This year, I resolve to let the house get messy. I want the dishes to pile up and the clean clothes to get wrinkled before I fold them. I want to wear the same sleep shorts for three nights in a row because I don’t give a fuck with the neighbors think of me when I take the dog out in the morning. I resolve to invite people over to my messy house for dinner. I resolve to cultivate relationships in unlikely places, wash my hair a little less, and smile before I’ve brushed my teeth in the morning. I resolve to give myself just as much of me as I give to everyone else. I resolve to kiss my husband with food in my mouth and take myself less seriously when I do it. In fact, I resolve to take everyone less seriously. I resolve to spend more time with my son than I do cleaning up after him.

Let life be messy, enjoy it.

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